Magical Relationships

She said “My husband loves that I am assertive and self confident but he only wants me to be that way in private. In public he wants me to be quiet. And I’m beginning to see that in private he wants to be in control, to have the final say. I was bullied in my previous marriage. I won’t compromise myself anymore. ”

At that moment I realized I’ve been living the solution to her dilemma. It began almost a year earlier, when a charter member of a group I had recently joined encouraged me to talk to the group’s founder. She said something like “You’re the help he needs.” Since then Guy and I have collaborated on numerous creative projects and administrative decisions. That in itself is no big thing, people work together all the time but Guy aggravates me so much it’s been unlike any working relationship I’ve ever had. That certainly doesn’t sound like there’s a relationship solution there so let me give you some background. You will better understand why I think what I have learned is a solution for my client’s marital dilemma.

Guy and I are both strong willed independent minded entrepreneurs. We are opposites in many ways, and I am a “never gonna happen again” woman who comes from a male dominated childhood and prior marriage where I felt emotionally diminished. On the other hand we are in sync in many ways. We have a shared vision for our group, complimentary aesthetic tastes, a history of high level positive collaboration in many lifetimes together, and a rare closeness and respect of eachother.

We are also so comfortable with eachother we tend to be uncommonly straightforward in our conversations. Once, after overhearing us working through a design disagreement someone asked me if Guy and I were married. Surprised, I asked him why he thought that. He said it was because of how we were arguing with eachother. After thinking about it, I understood what he meant. You see, Guy and I were so aggravated with eachother I think we both wished we could have pulled out paint ball guns and creamed eachother, but underneath that was, and is, a clear, unshakable bond of respect, and commitment to finding mutually workable solutions.

Over time I’ve learned to trust Guy’s decisions and know that he respects and values my insights. It hasn’t come easily. There are things I felt strongly should have been done right away but he wouldn’t act on them. I didn’t have the administrative power to act so I spent many agonizing days doing energy healing on myself learning to let go. And then amazing things would happen, It would turn out, by observable circumstances, that his decision not to act was the right decision. There were other times he didn’t act and over time my sense of its importance continued until it was burning a hole in my head. I would go to him, tell him my head was on fire, and then, so amazing, he would set his ego aside and say “because it bothers you so much I will take care of it.” In those instances too we saw almost immediate positive outcomes.

Recently I had a vision of us being priest and priestess. I was there to serve him so he could serve humanity. In turn he was there to meet my needs so I could fulfill my life’s mission. Later that day I received the phone call from the wife who was concerned about giving up her self in compromise to her husband. A revelation flashed in my head. I am willingly surrendering my ego to Guy while maintaining my high self esteem and confidence.

Many times I’ve heard the passage in the New Testament that men are to love their wives as themselves and women are to submit to/respect their husbands. (Ephesians 5.) To be honest, I’ve never personally seen that modeled by couples where I could identify with the woman. So, when I realized Guy and I, in our work relationship, are living that concept it just blew my mind.

I shared this story with the wife and the next day with another strong woman who had just gone through a divorce. We were all shaken and speechless. I know there are more than just the three of us who have wrestled with maintaining our identity and value in a relationship so I thought it would be good to write it out for you all to read.

Surrendering vs Succumbing by Marie Forleo
“There is a certain amount of surrendering to your partner that is necessary if you want to have a magical relationship. I know this is a question that comes up, what is the difference between surrendering and succumbing to just what that other person wants? That’s where being clear and present is really useful. When you’re here in the moment you are free from your mental thoughts and your past conditioning and from all the ideas you’ve obsorbed over a lifetime of what it means to be a woman, or a good woman, or a sexy woman, or whatever. Your truth is there so you’re able to communicate from such a clear place from such a neutral place and compassionate place to the man you are with you can really make things work without much struggle.”

Happy Valentines Day.